It has been a while since I have written. There have been so many ups and downs and twists and turns, maybe one day I will go back and share some of the adventures. While a lot has transpired, some things haven’t changed. I am still tired. And by tired I mean it takes me a while to think of what my name is when I sign in at the doctors office and I often forget what I am saying mid sentence because my brain tries to take little mini naps at any point it can. I’m tired from spoon feeding and diapering Claire for 12 years. I could go on but you get it, listening for your child’s next breath every waking second that you are together takes a toll. Rett syndrome is taking it’s toll on me.
I get by on the adrenaline that kicks in when I see Claire soar. Weather it is her walking well or playing football for fun at school, her smiles, along with healthy doses of coffee, wine and prayers get me by, but barely.
About two months ago I broke and realized that we really need to do something to increase the margins in our life. That started the process that has ultimately lead us to Jack.
Everyone thinks that Jack is for Claire, but really this is sorta more about me and that is very hard to admit. This is why I am finally writing after taking a year off. I wanted to share with you other tired people, because I know you are out there. Realizing that I needed help and asking for it has been incredibly difficult and also rewarding. Also, it wasn’t exactly by choice.
I spent a month getting turned down by a lot of different groups that train service dogs. I looked into breeders and trainers and every different option I could thing of. With no viable options I gave up on the idea of a service dog and figured we would try something else to ease life. I told my neighbor I was done trying and thanked her for the encouragement along the way. She told me Claire needed this and asked if she could share our story. Five days later we were in Arizona with Jack after a rather incredible string of miracles.
Asking for help sucks and I didn’t even have the courage to straight out ask and it was still hard. I find it a lot more fun to pretend like everything is under control because I am strong and stuff. I want to live a rich life full of adventure and fun. The simple truth is that asking for help doesn’t take that away. I’m trying to learn that, trying to accept it.
If you are tired too, I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone even if it feels like it. I hope that you might find a way to ask for help or that somebody forces it on you and that miracles you can see stack up in the process.
If you would like to donate to help cover the $15,000 in training costs for Jack before he comes home with us please visit Forever Young K9 Rescue and donate in Claire’s honor.