Worth It

It’s weird to figure out how to move forward, what step is the right next step. I’ve been told there is no wrong way or right way to grieve. I’ve also heard “they” say that you shouldn’t make any big decisions while you are grieving but I’ve come to realize that “they” don’t realize that isn’t an option. Staying in our current situation, not changing anything would be a big decision. Getting rid of most of our stuff and moving 500 miles away, also a big decision, but one that need to be made.

Pretty close to Claire’s death, I had the overwhelming urge to sell everything and move somewhere new. Life feIt short and precious and there’s no time to waste. I want to have a grocery store that didn’t have the aisles that I only went down for the items Claire needed. I wanted to be free of the overwhelming grief when the school bus would pass our home as waiting for her bus was one of my favorite things. I want a reprieve from the triggers, but also I need space to breathe, to heal from the last 15 years.

For the first time in my life, I am moving, along with my incredible family, just because it is what I need. In the past we had outgrown homes and moved for work. Claire always answered the questions in each move for us. The goal was always to live as best we could, with her. Her needs dictated the floor plan of the homes we’ve purchased, the order in which we have moved and how we packed the car. Now everything is different and we had to sit down and ask ourselves what we want and that was scary.

Honestly, I am terrified of leaving the busyness of the current situation. My gut tells me the healing I long for is going to be a lot of difficult work. Sitting with my emotions has never been my favorite thing and now I am clearing the calendar for the rest of the year to do just that.

It was scary to tell Jared I needed to move away from where he works, to say that is what I needed. Who does that? Mom’s don’t have needs, right? Aren’t we just supposed to be thankful there’s a paycheck and make it work?

Choosing space to heal over the stability of a job was terrifying. And maybe my best decision so far this year. I guess I’ll know soon enough. So often we talk about self care, but do we really slow down enough to access what we really need? I guess that is one of the lessons that Claire taught me. Accurate assessments are everything. I urge you, pay attention to what you need. Maybe it’s coffee with a friend, time getting a hair cut or maybe it’s smashing pottery or an intense workout. Don’t let others define what you need or you “should” do to rest. Figure what works for you, I think it’ll be worth it.

Pictured: two people probably too tired to move next week, but crazy enough to anyway

2 thoughts on “Worth It

  1. My heart aches for you. For 15 years you had unending responsibilities in meeting Claire’s every need as well as loving her, Chloe and Jared. You worked so hard at sharing your feelings with everyone and helping so many families. Grieving is different for everyone. You go through different stages at different times. Allow yourself the time. I hope this move brings you peace, time to heal and love.

  2. jaroclto4 says:

    Best wishes to you and your family Colleen. Thank you for walking with us and Claire. Now you and your family move forward and find healing. Love from Roxie’s Nana. 💜

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