As expected, transitioning into our new life in Southern California has been very difficult. There are so many decisions to make, it has become very overwhelming. One thing hasn’t changed, grief still sneaks up on me and knocks the wind right out. Each morning I wake up in shock as I look around and try to get my senses, why am I here, what’s going on? It’s a thought that bounces around in my head a lot. Why? What?
Before we moved I knew the plan. The kids had their place, Jared has his, my charity work was fulfilling, the questions just weren’t there. I must admit it was a false sense of certainty, but it allowed me to enjoy the days. Now I just don’t know. You’ve been there, it’s scary right?
It is hard to sit and wonder and not know your why and that’s where I’ve been. Thankfully I have enough responsibility to save me from myself. Claire indicated that she wanted her room to be fully unpacked. We discovered that she needed a full length mirror to properly approve of the clothes we dress her in. Fair enough, off we went to IKEA.
It is spring break, so the trip answered the question of what we would do for one day and I prepared for every different scenario that I could mentally. Chloe would push Claire and I would pave the way with the big cart of furniture. As we shopped another mom approached to tell me how much she loved Claire’s chair and asked where it came from. I responded with the brand and model but she wanted more details. She wanted to know who paid and how we got it approved and what local groups I could refer her to. She was going to need to go through the process for her daughter.
I took a deep breath and explained how I didn’t know much about this area as we had just moved (I didn’t cry saying that, so I get a medal). I told her my favorite parts about the chair we have and a few things we had to learn the hard way. I asked about her daughter and found out she was 8 months old. Here she was looking at frames in IKEA and when she saw Claire, in a cute chair out and about she saw a future for her daughter, that’s a big deal.
Funny that I have been depressed lately thinking about the unknowns ahead of us. Then I get to be a small part of answering that question for somebody else and she answered the question of why for me. The future is full of unknowns, it’s just that some times you are aware of that more than others.
It pains me to not be out conquering the world, living in some large adventure right now. This was the perfect reminder that even when I don’t have a sense of why or what, it is still there. It has always been there, I just get clued in from time to time.