Two days into the official “holiday season” and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I know I will, but it isn’t going to be easy. We survived Thanksgiving with a well timed trip up to San Fransisco. It was a lovely distraction but it still stung as we sat in the restaurant of our hotel and spoon fed Claire her mashed potatoes.

After our fun trip I struggled to figure out why I felt down as we got home. I didn’t want to get out of bed, didn’t want to put the tree up, I was just down. Eventually we went for the family walk though the redwoods that we had committed to. The fresh air that smelled like Christmas filled my lungs and lifted my spirits. As we walked Chloe went on and on about the various dragons that she was looking for. That is when I realized; I hate family time.

Chloe’s imagination is so magical, to see her sit and sketch what only she can see is a gift I do not take for granted. Yet at the same time it breaks my heart as I look at Claire and wonder what wonderful stories the trees tell her. This is why the holidays are so hard for us. There is nowhere to run or hide, the holidays create time to be a family, or in our case, a place where loss and grief can’t be avoided.

I’m not putting this out there to be a downer or solicit sympathy. I know that there are others of you out there struggling. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. Rettland is a hard place to be, particularly this time of year. All the fun holiday crafts and food just don’t work as well here. Gift giving is harder for those that have multiple disabilities, it just is. Parties are harder to enjoy when you are with your 10 year old who still depends on you like she did as an infant. I feel better already just putting this out there, so thank you for being here too. Now, who’s ready for January? Bring on 2016!