I love November. The weather, the focus on gratitude, it’s not October; so many things to love. I was ready to dial back, take care of myself and relax into the boring life of a stay at home mom. That hasn’t been as easy as I hoped. The thing is, living in Rettland is often more complicated than we hope and this has been the case.
Last week I had started to really get down. I was trying to rest and recover and it felt like an impossible task. Life just kept on and so have I. It’s been a grudge match. Two steps forward, two steps back but we keep on.
Friday we were plugging along when we got a call from an old number I recognized. It was the facility that Claire used to ride horses at. They had tickets for us to go see a show in San Fransisco on Saturday. At first I said no. Then I thought about it and decided, why not, let’s go. We had hotel points to use for a room that was close, so we’d make a little staycation out of it. We needed a win. This should have been a slam dunk. After all the travel to Boston, one night, a 90 minute drive, easy peasy. But it wasn’t.
I won’t bore you with all the details, but it wasn’t an easy win. In fact, it didn’t feel like a win at all. Yes, we all enjoyed the amazing performance that Cavallia put on. We loved seeing the friends we saw along the way. But the adventure drained us.
It’s frustrating. If things were difficult because we made bad choices or because we quit, that would be one thing. But we are trying so freaking hard and still it seems like we can’t make any ground.
Then is the constant twist that I am somehow consistently surprised by. As I feel broken and insufficient, suddenly I feel complete. It’s what allows me to keep trying even when every day feels like a failure. It’s when I give up every day that I am reminded of how deeply loved I am and that is why I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18
If you are out there trying and it feels like it’s for nothing, just know that you are not alone. Just in case nobody told you yet today, I am thankful for YOU and I know many others are too.