It is weird to adjust to life spent thriving and I am certainly not there yet. We spent many years coping, surviving, barely making it through each day. I am still coping daily and struggling each day but it is different. It isn’t just hard, it’s good too. It is the moments where both joy and grief, beauty and pain, hard and good are equally represented that I have found to be where I thrive. Those are the moments that are 4 dimensional, so real, so vivid that you second guess the reality of it. Without the hard, good stuff is good, but it is flat, 2 dimensional, it lacks the vividness that comes from struggle.
Today marks a big day on my journey living a life spent thriving. We are having a birthday party for Chloe. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but it is. To start I am not the party type, it just isn’t my thing. Add to it that birthday parties were one of the hardest things when Claire was in preschool. The few that she got invited to were awkward and heart breaking. We didn’t dare ever have a party for her. An exception was made when Claire turned 6 and we had the whole ABA team there for support, that’s another story. Birthday’s have just always been hard so we play them down. Enter Chloe, the preschool scene and the fact that she is a social butterfly. We’ve been attending parties and I can do it without almost passing out now. Chloe can also speak and articulate exactly what she wants so this year, in the spirit of thriving, she’s having a party. Of course, she wanted to have a gymnastics party and was adamant that her sister be there. So in a few minutes I will pack up the car and head down to get the cake and set up. Chloe’s friends will come and the room will be filled with typical girls laughing and jumping and using their hands to play. The parents will stand on the side and watch and I will attempt to keep it together, for Chloe.
I will take pictures of our courageous, beautiful, loving child as she frolics. I will check on Claire constantly to see if she is breathing. It is likely that as I go back in forth my heart will break and over flow with joy repeated and that is what life spent thriving looks like. Pretty sure I will be exhausted but I will be damned if I have regrets about it.