Palms Up

One of the things that I have been working on in my time here in Rettland is living a palms up sort of life. You see, before the chaos hit and Claire was diagnosed I had a very tight grip on my reality. I worked very hard to shape my life and the people in it and I held on to the way things should be with an iron fist. Slowly I figured out that while my fist were clenched they were empty and there wasn’t really anything that I was holding on to, I was just waving my fists around like a raving mad woman. Slowly, I have let go and I really try to walk through the days palms up. It is a very vulnerable way to go through life, you can’t hold on to anything, it is a position of being open. Today Claire reminded me of this philosophy while I was virtually running in circles and trying to hold on to all of the small details that are floating around in my head. For the last year or two we have worked very hard on walking and controlling a power chair with head controls in her physical therapy sessions. She is making slow progress, so slow that it is easy to forget that we are indeed moving forward. Yesterday and today have been filled with seizures so I have expected very little of Claire. After she slept off the afternoon set I got her shoes back on, laid her on her bed and went to the kitchen to get her milk ready. A full minute hadn’t passed and Chloe called out, “Mom, sissy is standing up all by herself and she isn’t falling over!” I ran in and accused Chloe of helping get her sister in this potentially dangerous situation. She was innocent. Claire got out of bed on her own. CLAIRE GOT OUT OF BED ON HER OWN. photoJared said she did this while I was out of town but we really thought that she had help. This was all her and she was so stoked. This was a goal that we gave up on three years ago and here she’s done it twice inside of two weeks with absolutely no help. So I stand, and I enjoy her sense of accomplishment and I let it wash over me, with my palms up. I can’t hold on to it, I don’t know that it will ever happen again. It reminds me that we work in a very general direction and that I have very little control. Today she reminded me to open my hands again, to not hold on too tight. It’s the holding on tight part that would leave me unable to catch some of the joy that I never saw coming.

8 thoughts on “Palms Up

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