When I started calling myself Miss Amazing it was because I felt like I was failing at epic levels and I was attempting to give myself permission for that. Having a child with Rett Syndrome is never easy and as a perfectionist it nearly broke me. There are so many things that I could do to help Claire but there literally aren’t enough hours in the day. Slowly I embraced my Miss Amazingness and gave into the chaos. We went for ice cream on days that we drove an hour to see a specialist only to find out I had it written down right and remembered it wrong. I laughed when I made silly mistakes due to chronic fatigue. I allowed people to come in and help even when they didn’t do it how I did it(that one was really hard and really rewarding).
Much like being an alcoholic I suppose you never recover from being a perfectionist, it is a series of choices one day at a time. I’ve been doing that for a while now, putting one foot in front of the other and letting most of it fall apart. I’ve carefully chosen what I can do and had to let go of A LOT. With time, I’ve used my Miss Amazing title less to celebrate the many failures and more to focus on those few small victories. I’ve switched the focus from all that isn’t to what can be and that perspective has been a true gift.
It is that way of seeing things that allowed me to dare into a world that I don’t know much about, starting a non-profit. It’s been one small step forward and a few sideways and backward but slowly we are getting there. I’ve asked for more help than I ever have and I’ve let go of my desire to have it all perfect before it’s shared.
Today, the Rettland Foudation released its website to the world and the response blew me away. One person shared the link and made a comment thanking me for being amazing. In that moment, as I read her words it occurred to me, I have fully transformed being Miss Amazing from a negative to a positive. It sorta feels weird, like wearing a ballgown to the beach. I can finally admit that I’ve learned a few things, made some good decisions and opened my heart. It’s the beautiful part of being in Rettland. Thank you to all those that have hung by on this crazy ride and for giving me the space and support on this journey.