Tangled Up and Checking Out

A week ago I went to go see a movie with a friend. I see a movie in the theater about once every two years, so it was a pretty big deal. There was one line in particular that sat with me, on the first day of school the dean says to the student body “Forget everything you think you may know because you do not know anything.”

For whatever reason, that line sat with me. The rest of the movie was fantastic! If you ever get a chance to see this movie, I certainly think it is worth two hours of time. Since then I have been thinking about how things are dramatically different than I had imagined. I have been on a long road. The journey has been longer than I initially thought and come to find out, it has merely just begun, sigh. So here I sit tired, rather exhausted. It would be so much easier to turn back off. To not think about why children die because there isn’t clean water or why I just can’t be nice to everyone that I encounter. It is a bit of an understatement but at the moment I feel all tangled up inside. Not knowing which direction to go. Do I help Claire to do all the fun stuff that she wants to do or will that give her seizures. Do I abandon my desire to cook healthy food for my family so that I can rest more? Do I try harder, will it make any difference, is it ever enough? Then there is the whole God and church thing that takes the the mess of thoughts in my head and ties it in knots. There is just so much inside me that is unresolved that I can barely take it but I don’t have the energy to untangle it, ugh. The only thing that I can think to do is sorta check out. Not disengage, just sorta stop trying. It will be interesting to see how this works out. While I would really like to lay out a plan for rest so that I can begin to makes sense of it all, so that I can put it on a nice little check list I don’t think that is what it will look like. What I have figured out is this. I have an amazing 6 year old with an incredible passion for life. That she has rett syndrome complicates things, both physically and emotionally. Then there is Chloe, who is simultaneously pure joy and frustration. And of coarse, Captain Awesome who is 110% percent 75% of the time. I live somewhere that is incredibly life giving. Between the farms, the forest and the beaches, it is easy to be energized by the beauty all around me. Now I just need to figure out how to sit back and enjoy it, live within it, with no expectations, just being in the moment and that’s the hard part. I don’t know if I will be blogging or not, so if you don’t see anything from me for a while it’s because I’m too tired and tied up and I really do hope to be back soon.

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