I can great hopes for this post, a nice positive post about how even through complete and utter exhaustion I am loving my life. I would love to go on and on about how much I am loving spending time at the ocean with Chloe while Claire is at school. Or how cute it is that Chloe pushes her baby to the bus while I push Claire. Isn’t imitation one of the highest forms of flattery? I just hope that Claire isn’t hanging out of her chair like that.
I was going to blog about how great it has been to reconnect with food. Not only have I been loving getting to cook all of the food in the CSA. I have been cooking with the girls and I am loving every minute. We made whip cream together and then they helped me assemble the strawberry shortcakes. Teaching them about food, where it comes from and how it works really is a dream come true for me. The large majority of my life right now feels like a dream come true. It is truly a privilege to get to be a stay at home mom and I certainly am not taking it for granted. I really do feel like the storms that have been hitting us over and over have subsided and it has left me open to really enjoy it all. As I try to sit in a place of gratitude and appreciation, all of the sudden I get smacked in the face with the rest of the reality. The ugly not so wonderful part of my life. You see, this week Chloe turns 2. I know that doesn’t sound like a bad thing and really it isn’t. Except for some reason it made me think about when Claire turned 2. It was two weeks after we had gotten the diagnosis. For her birthday we took her to an evaluation for therapeutic horseback riding. I had forgotten to get a cake or anything of the like so we swung by the market on the way home and picked something up. We had a friend with a daughter close in age with us that day. The two girls sat at the little toddler sized table and ate their cake together. That’s right, Claire fed herself cake. I remember it so clearly. I know that Chloe will also feed herself her birthday cake but I will look at it differently. As happy as I am that she is such a brilliant and vivacious little girl, I can’t help but wish that for Claire as well. I know that everything in Claire’s spirit wishes to run and jump and play the way that Chloe gets to, to eat cake and be silly. In the big mess of thought and emotion that is swirling within me I, I keep hearing these lyrics:
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
I know that this wave of grief and pain will come and go. My hope is that tomorrow will be one of those days, one filled with love that washes away all of the bad. At the very least I do expect that it will be a lovely day for a walk and we can always put flowers in our hair.