After the Storm

 I can great hopes for this post, a nice positive post about how even through complete and utter exhaustion I am loving my life. I would love to go on and on about how much I am loving spending time at the ocean with Chloe while Claire is at school. Or how cute it is that Chloe pushes her baby to the bus while I push Claire. Isn’t imitation one of the highest forms of flattery? I just hope that Claire isn’t hanging out of her chair like that.

I was going to blog about how great it has been to reconnect with food. Not only have I been loving getting to cook all of the food in the CSA. I have been cooking with the girls and I am loving every minute. We made whip cream together and then they helped me assemble the strawberry shortcakes. Teaching them about food, where it comes from and how it works really is a dream come true for me. The large majority of my life right now feels like a dream come true. It is truly a privilege to get to be a stay at home mom and I certainly am not taking it for granted. I really do feel like the storms that have been hitting us over and over have subsided and it has left me open to really enjoy it all. As I try to sit in a place of gratitude and appreciation, all of the sudden I get smacked in the face with the rest of the reality. The ugly not so wonderful part of my life. You see, this week Chloe turns 2. I know that doesn’t sound like a bad thing and really it isn’t. Except for some reason it made me think about when Claire turned 2. It was two weeks after we had gotten the diagnosis. For her birthday we took her to an evaluation for therapeutic horseback riding. I had forgotten to get a cake or anything of the like so we swung by the market on the way home and picked something up. We had a friend with a daughter close in age with us that day. The two girls sat at the little toddler sized table and ate their cake together. That’s right, Claire fed herself cake. I remember it so clearly. I know that Chloe will also feed herself her birthday cake but I will look at it differently. As happy as I am that she is such a brilliant and vivacious little girl, I can’t help but wish that for Claire as well. I know that everything in Claire’s spirit wishes to run and jump and play the way that Chloe gets to, to eat cake and be silly. In the big mess of thought and emotion that is swirling within me I, I keep hearing these lyrics:
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
I know that this wave of grief and pain will come and go. My hope is that tomorrow will be one of those days, one filled with love that washes away all of the bad. At the very least I do expect that it will be a lovely day for a walk and we can always put flowers in our hair.

3 thoughts on “After the Storm

  1. You are doing really really well. I just read through a few of your back posts and realized that you've only just had a brief respite from the Rett monster and medical emergencies.

    When that happens to me, I find a lot of emotions catching up to me unexpectedly.

    It seems that dealing with the food from the CSA (even the hotel food) has been therapeutic. Good for you! I love the pic of Chloe and Claire making whipped cream. You are such a good mom!

    I hope you find some flowers. The kind that last in your hair. ❤

  2. You are such a great Mom and it shows in all the smiles that I see on your little girls' faces. I completely understand how you can rejoice in the typical things your younger child is mastering yet feel heartache that your older child can not. But, Claire is amazing and is beating the Rett Monster everyday! xoxo

  3. mj says:

    flowers in your hair like rapunzel? 🙂 oh colleen, i just want to hug you. i got a comment from a mom this morning whose daughter is being tested for rett. i burst into tears when i read it on my phone just remembering that time in our own lives. my heart sank. and then i gave leah a hug.
    happy #2 to chloe. love, love that little girl.

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