Good news is that Claire is great! She is in kindergarten, using her talker and even starting hippo therapy (a PT that uses a horse)! She is such a rockstar and tolerating all the new people who don’t get her yet and making the most of the ones who do, I could learn from her. As for me, not so much the rockstar. Why can’t I take a lesson from Claire and just make the most of what people give me. Let me back up a few days ago, I went to my first BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) where I didn’t know anyone. Not true, I knew a few people, rather a few people there knew me. I don’t know why I am so stuck on this, but I am so angry at the people who were “around” during the hardest and most challenging part that Rett Syndrome and life have dealt us this far. Sure, everyone has time and wants to be friends now that I have stabilized, but guess what, no! As I was leaving another mom approached me in the parking lot, she stopped to tell me that she recognized me, um, awkward. I didn’t know her. So I threw out that I have an older daughter who used to go to Playschool (the private preschool that Claire went to, the one I cried every time I drove away because I felt like everyone stared at me) and she might know me from there. Yes that was it! The lady then remembered that my daughter just went on Friday’s. I smiled and said see you around, because what else does one say? I got in my car and was overcome with rage. That period when the world felt like it was closing in, when Chloe was an infant and I was still trying to get things set with the school, I really needed support. I felt like a really bad car wreck, the one that everyone slows down to stare at and forgets about in a split second. Now that we aren’t in crisis I would really like to just move on and love life, I really would. But here, all this stuff from the past comes and gets shoved in my face, guess I needed another challenge. I feel like saying, if you were in Vegas on Friday the 13th, walked on the cliffs with me, or spent at least 45 minutes a week with me on the phone, then you are in, anyone else, take a number. Then I see Claire, who puts on her best face even when the people who are working with her don’t get it, they haven’t yet learned how amazing she is. She could just go to sleep and wake up when the next person comes around that she likes, or she could scream and make their life hell. Honestly, she does a little of each, but she doesn’t completely shut the door. She has faith in them, that if she keeps telling, quietly leading them along, they will get it, and for the most part they do. I know that I was never called to hate, rather love and i don’t remember anything being said about it being easy. So I guess it will just be yet another process, another lesson and hopefully I can learn it without causing too much pain. I know this post was pretty negative, honest, I feel much better now, but I feel like I would be fake if all I ever put up is Claire is awesome and life can be a little hard, thanks for bearing with me.
4 thoughts on “just me being angry and rambling…”
we need to do dinner and fast!!!
amen to colleen. amen to erica. soon, soon, soon. and at dinner, i will share with you the MOST ridiculous story from my experience that goes perfectly with this post. sometimes i find my jaw dropped clear to the ground when i just think about it. hope your sunday is a little better…
Being angry it absolutely understandable. Abby's diagnosis has made some of my close friends closer, but a lot of acquaintances have sort of disappeared. Maybe that's partly my fault. I don't know. I imagine myself responding more empathetically than others have, which does make me resentful. I'm working on it.
I love the photo of your girls in the newsletter! I can't wait to me them one day. I think our kiddos would get along great!
Your description of the “rough” time really hit home with me because that is the stage that I am in right now. It's probably the roughest time and it has certainly made me realize where the line if between an acquaintance (sp) and true friend. Unfortunately, it adds to my pain when the ones that I thought would be there through it all are not, but c'est la vie!