The Reality of it All

Isn’t it funny how sometimes separate events in life all seem to work together. Yesterday we had the chance to go down to our friends house and play. They got chicks for Easter and Claire was just in love with them! Our friends also have an amazing little girl Leah who is almost a year younger than Claire. Of coarse things couldn’t go too smoothly, after playing with the chicks Claire got very upset about something and the demon version of her took over. I sat there on the couch restraining her as she screamed and cried. We had been there less than 15 minutes and I was ready to leave. By leave, I felt like I was ready to leave not just my friends house but the outside world altogether. I hate that Claire does so well in our stable little environment but I know that it is not good to allow her to just stay in that security. We worked through it and I am so proud of her, after a bit of screaming she started to regain composure and we were able to have a lovely lunch eating pizza and green juice with Leah at the princess table in their kitchen. As we sat and I fed Claire, Leah would talk about all sorts of things. She was calling her mom on her play cell phone, reorganizing the jewelry in her purse and explaining how she liked The Cat In The Hat. Leah is just too precious! She gathered all of her treasures into a big bag and took them into her room to play with Claire. They dressed up in fancy Ariel dresses to wear as we read Cat In The Hat. As my friend Jess would read the story, Leah would interject the words that she knew as she has memorized the book in its entirety. We had a really nice time! So why did I cry most of the way home? After being around a typically developing child my mind wonders. I think of what silly things Claire would say if only her body would let her. What objects would become her prized possessions? Later that night after the girls were down I started to look through all the pictures that I just transferred from my old computer to my new one. I found pictures of Claire before her regression. Oh the pain of remembering when she would sit and feed herself, when she would crawl like lightening to avoid pj’s after the bath, when our life was “normal”. It was a lot of emotion for one day. I sobbed and sobbed and eventually fell to sleep in the early morning. I did pretty well in the morning, I was able to hide the tears from the girls. Then it was time for church. I knew that the topic today was the into to a series on pain and suffering which oddly enough, isn’t a subject that I have ever struggled with. Dan did an amazing job handling the delicate topic. One of the things that he touched on that really caught my ear was that what we do have is a choice, that pain can make you harder or softer. It was then that I felt so validated, that my tears won’t be wasted. I know that years ago, I was really hard, through this process I am slowly getting softer. As I sit here and type, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I got through this round. The reality of the situation is that there will be many more rounds like this. I know that I will get through them all, somehow (I’m guessing by the grace of God). I know that the next few months will be particularly hard for me as I am entering the world of Chloe doing new things each day that Claire has never done and might never, so please forgive me if I sound a little down in my posts. I am going to be fine, it is just a very challenging (and super wonderful!) period for me.

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